Enough

Being enough.

Who decides?

In a perfect world, you decide. You make that decision based on your personal emotions and it isn't based on anyone else’s opinions. After all, it is your life and God created you to be the perfect version of who you are.

Although, I am pretty sure no one has ever walked up to my face and told me that I wasn't enough. 

Those words usually come to me at the end of a long day when I am tired, my house is a mess and the only thing I can say is my children smiled at some point during our chaos.

You are not enough.

You should have done more.

Or when I choose to not take on that one extra committee or responsibility.

You are not enough.

You are selfish.

Or when a friendship disintegrates or my children get in trouble at school or when my family has to eat beans and cornbread because my budget didn't stretch as far as I needed it to.

You are not enough

You are a failure.

I sat in a room last night with women I had little or no relationship with. The devotional we were there to listen to centered around women not feeling like they are enough. Moms dealing with hardships and fighting a fight they feel is an uphill battle. I listened to personal stories and quotes from books trying to build mothers up, reminding them that they have a purpose and the fight against the world is worth it for them and their children. I looked around the room and there were a lot of moms nodding theirs heads in agreement to these words. My heart was screaming yes to these words, but I knew deeper that these words weren't me.

There were moments in my life. There have been afternoons where they were true. Nights where I believed nothing else. But they aren't me. They are the moments that build me up to be a better woman, person, mom, friend. But they are balanced by all the successes I have. All the love I give, the growth I've done, the time I spend and the tears I shed. The negative and the positive, the good and the bad come together to make me who I am.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2 Corinthians 12:9.

I am enough.

And please know that you are, too.

Double Standards

I am really good at helping other with their problems. At least I think that I am and sure know I enjoy doing it.

Sometimes, I am really impressed by the questions that come out of my mouth. I love when I get down to the deep stuff with people.

You know what I don't like?

When someone else asks me those same questions.

woah. Woah. WOAH.

Who do I think I am?

How can I ask questions I am not willing to answer?

Double Standard. I really don't like those.

The other day I was struggling. If I could see the future, read minds or talk directly to God, I wouldn't have these problems. Also, if my faith was stronger... the same applies. But, that is another blog.

I was asked (by a really wise friend) "If this was your daughter going through the same struggle, what would you tell her?" 

This is such a good question. I have asked this question. I obviously did not make up this question. I also did not want to answer this question.

Would I want my daughter to feel this way? Allow herself to be in this position? Not want better for herself?

Of course not.

There have been so many times that I have witnessed parents doing one thing and then telling their children another.

Don't talk about someone behind their back. Always be nice. Then we turn around and start a sentence with "Did you hear...?"

Put God first. Love others as God loved us. But instead of us doing that, we pursue more money, nicer things, more status.

Be yourself. Love yourself for who you are. No, you don't have to change clothes. I love your quirky personality. But we censor ourselves. Hide our vulnerable parts and try to fit in.

We don't hold ourselves to the same standards that we hold our children to.

Don't we lead our children? Don't we set the example for them? Shouldn't we be their role models?

Are we filling these rolls when we aren't taking our own advice. Not answering the questions that are too hard?

Double Standard.

I am going to answer the hard questions from now on. For my children. For my family. For my friends and for myself. I am going to live a life I would be proud for my daughters to mimic.

I want to become really good at answering the hard questions. Not just asking them.

Love or Judgment

Being a Christian is hard.

Being a Christian friend is even harder.

                                                             For me, at least.

Early in my life I was the black and white friend. There were rules about how you were supposed to behave and the things you were supposed to and if my friend didn’t follow those, I let them know. I let them know just how far off the path they were and exactly, step by step what they needed to do to get back on track. But whose track was it? It wasn’t God’s path. It was my perception of what God wanted.

A wise friend told me that judgment is based on human motivation and not on God’s word. Even though I have heard these words recently, they were so true of how I used to be. I did not have much knowledge of God’s word. And the tidbits I did know, I used as a weapon of judgment with sharp scriptural edges and a pointed finger. I lost a lot of friends with this weapon and I decided I wanted to change. I wanted to be a light for people, not someone who pushed people into darkness with harsh words and no grace.

Over the last decade, I have spent my time growing up and changing. I have decided to live in the gray and make my decisions based on the Bible. I decided living in the gray area was better than the strict black and white because:

“It’s not my job to judge”

“I am called to love”

“Everyone deserves grace”

Even though my motives are much nicer, I have decided that I am still not doing any favors to my friends. My motives were to make sure people feel love, mine and God’s, regardless of their past mistakes. I want everyone to know they have worth and they are precious. I learned these things through a long path of growth and self-discovery and I wanted others to know the same things that liberated me. Honestly, it was selfish. These things are exciting to me and mean something because I learned them myself. 

But I haven’t learned where that line is…. the line between having a sharp tongue of truth and how to show love and grace instead of encouraging self-destructive behavior.

The Bible says this….

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

But then I have to remember

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

But this is the scripture that drives me in my friendships.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace. 1 Peter 4:8-10

I think I make being a Christian friend difficult because of my own hang ups.  I can’t save my friends from making the mistakes I did or their own mistakes. I can’t let my own insecurities (acceptance, judgment, loneliness) interfere with the purpose God’s scriptures and I have to trust in God that if I follow his words, I am pleasing him.

My hope for my actions is this.

As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.  Proverbs 27:19

And as I find the courage to listen to God over the neurosis in my head (anxiety, self-doubt) I hope that…

That is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine.  Romans 1:12

I feel like even in writing this, I am still arguing with myself and struggling to find confidence in my role as a Christian friend.

BUT…

Now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13

Lesley's Table

My first client projects table of 2014 actually started in 2013. I try to tell my clients that I am slow. This particular client said it was worth the wait. Bless her and her patient self!

It was a family heirloom and so of course that made me paranoid I was going to mess it up. But after I finished and delivered it, I was kinda proud of it.

Stripped the top and got it ready for stain. 

I didn't take a before picture, but the legs didn't get stripped since they were going to be painted. So that is the color we started with. 

Applying the stain.

My helpers. 

One chair has dark wax and one doesn't. I think it added just the right amount of something different. 

Delivered and in place!

Yellow really is growing on me.

2014 is hopefully going to be a huge year for us. We are signing up for a lot of shows and working hard to bring y'all more photos and projects. Stick around!!

Celebrating Baby Josephina

A few weekends ago I helped through a baby shower for a dear friend. Pashe' and I have been friends for a decade. She was there for all my big life moments and I was there for hers. I love this girl to death and I am so glad that I was able to throw a baby shower for her Baby Girl! We did a shabby chic theme and celebrated in style! Here are a few shots from the shower.

Where the gifts were to be placed. I should have taken a picture after everyone arrived!

Cake Table.

A shot of some of the food. 

Sign in book! So Baby Josephina can always remember who came to show her love before she was here. 

Another shot of the cake table. 

Mason jars and paper straws! Of course!

We had a glass canister to serve the water out of but it succumbed to the abuse I put it through. So we made water in plastic bottles look good ;)

Center piece on the 'eating' table. 

I had such a good time showing love to someone who has shown it to me first. I love you Pashe' and I can't wait to meet Baby Josephina!

Meal Planning 1/20-2/1

 Budget...
     Busy....

Two B words that are unfortunately in my daily (hourly if we are being honest) vocabulary. So instead of ignoring them or begrudging them, I am going to have to embrace them. I am slowly phasing out my day job and fully focusing on Shine A Little. This is exciting and exhilarating and I am scared down to my bones.

This is something I have slowly been transitioning to this point. This is what I want but along with it comes good and bad. Less money, more time for my family. I think the trade off is worth it, but changes have to be made!

People also throw around the idea of simplifying. But I believe this is something different for every person. For me, to simplify my life means adding some structure and dependability. For me, chaos is crazy. It makes me pull my hair out. And it is super easy for me to get to that point. Especially with all the hats I wear (or the balls I have in the air.... pick your metaphor). For me to simplify, I am going to play a game. I call it what is the least I can spend at the grocery store and still feed my family yummy meals. Maybe I need to work on coming up with a catchier name.

The Menu:

1/20: Slow Cooker Chicken Cordon Bleu
1/21: Stuffed Buffalo Chicken, Italian Green Beans, velveeta mac and cheese
1/22: Open.
1/23: Crockpot Chicken and Dumplings
1/24-26: I will be out of town so I am leaving frozen meals for my family from my freezer cooking group.
1/27: Slow Cooker Hashbrown Casserole (I will serve this in tortillas)
1/28: Chicken Parmesan Rollups, roasted potatoes
1/29: Frozen Meal from cooking group
1/30: Open
1/31: We have plans out.
2/1: Mexican Manicotti, Spanish Rice (Recipe Below)

The Fine Print

On days that we have activities outside of the house (dance, gymnastics), my crockpot becomes my best friend. It is sooo easy for me to justify eating out when we are out during dinner time, but I won't waste money. So, if I can get dinner going in the crockpot, I will always go home and eat it.
I also don't like throwing away food. So, the days where I have written open is there for leftovers or a day of buffer in case my life doesn't go as planned. That happens!! My husband is NOT a fan of leftovers, so I tried to plan without those in mind. If we do leftovers, we do those for lunches the next day. That keeps us from spending money on food while out. Mostly my husband since his job is mainly spent in his car traveling all over town.
I keep homemade salsa on hand. For Christmas I got a pressure cooker, so look for canning recipes to come.

Spanish Rice:

3c White Rice
1 Onion
1 green pepper
Garlic to taste
1 7oz can of green chilies
1 can of diced tomatoes
4 cups of chicken broth or water
Cumin, salt, chili powder for spice

I saute the onion, garlic and bell pepper. Add the rice dry. Brown for 1 minute. Add the broth/water and the rest of the ingredients. I add the broth slowly to make sure the rice doesn't get mushy. Cook for 20-30 minutes covered, stirring periodically. Once some of the water/broth cooks down, add some more.

I hope this helps and gives you some good inspiration for new recipes. I will be back in two weeks with a new menu!

Humbling Reflection

Starting with my God Calling daily devotional again is a powerful thing and humbling experience. January 14... I made it two weeks into the plan to read the book on a daily basis. And that was two years ago. I am not sure that I even attempted last year. The entry for January 4th (because I am already behind) discussed not planning ahead and relying on God.

"Do not limit God at all"

"Do not plan ahead, the way will unfold step by step. Leave tomorrow's burden."

I am reading my reflection on these words from two years ago. It is hauntingly familiar. I can get upset with myself for putting myself in the exact same place on a yearly basis. For failing in my quest. Instead of chastising myself for my shortcomings, I can 

"Be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord"

I can find courage to trust God. I can behave like a child who follows without asking. Who accepts the world as is without judgement, then I can start to understand God's planning. Maybe there is a reason that I continue to get stuck on the same verse. The same point. I need to be present. I wrote about about this not just last week. 

You mean God is okay repeating himself? That he is constant and a rock for me to lean on? Oh wait, I knew all those things, but I was to busy living in tomorrow to remember it. 

Resolute. Not resolutions.

Yesterday my head was a swirling mess of thoughts. What did I want for the new year? What can I change? What do I *want* to change? This time of year everyone is discussing resolutions and starting new routines that will be one more thing on their to-do list. One more thing that will cause stress when the idea behind it was originally the opposite.

I have things in my life I want to change. Things I want to right and areas in my life I want to grow.

But I really don't like the idea of resolutions.

I don't need another thing on my to-do list. This is my problem. This is what I need to change. My husband pointed out to me that I have four full-time jobs. What person in their right mind does this to themselves. Me, apparently.

In my attempt to not write the obligatory New Year's Resolution post, I am afraid I am about to do just that. But hear me. I am resolute. But this post will be about life changes. Not promises to break.

I am going to....
             quit jobs
                    reorganize priorities
                                          Be present                              

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
God is already there. 
I spend a lot of time planning for the future. Being excited about what is going to happen a year from now. Why can I not be excited about what is happening now? I need to appreciate giggle. Every Mommy. Every comforting hug I get the chance to give. Because those are happening now. Not a year from now. There are changes every year. But tomorrow. Next month. A year from now. God is already there. So, I don't have to be. 

Okay... so I am present. I am currently sitting in the middle of my house trying to figure out what is present in my life. I am surrounded by babies... some belong to others and a few to myself. And I smile. But this is also two jobs on my list. I am a mother. To my own kids. To other people's kids. 
Deuteronomy 6:5-8
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.

This is my first job. 
Period. 

I have always done things for them and with them in mind. But I haven't been present. I have concentrated on them and unfortunately, I haven't concentrated on them. I thought providing for them was more important than being with them. Being present. I was wrong. This will change. Just like my priorities.

I am excited. I am ready to conquer fear because when I was busy running around with my head cut off, it was easy to ignore the fear that I won't make enough money. That I will fail as a mom if it is the only thing I do. Fear about many other things. I won't let  fear win. So, I will be present. I will take fear off the priority list.

I am CEO at the Higgins House. I will not fail because God is there. We will have plenty of money because God will provide. And I will be present because God has already taken care of tomorrow. 

Titus 2:5

To be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

I am ready.